POEM: Journey to the center of our Relationship Me & God🙏🏾✝️🩷

From the beginning of time, 

Even from my mother’s womb,

The enemy has tried to put me into a tomb, 

But your grace said to hell, 

Surely, you will never prevail,

From rejection in the womb from my Father’s mistake,

To abandonment issues with my mom as my brother came out the womb next, 

Then grandma took me under her wing and for that I felt blessed, 

But her wounds and traumas bled out on me, even though she did her best,

Many ups and downs, many challenges within my family tree, 

I often asked myself why did I end up here, Lord why me?

I was not always like this in the beginning, 

From birth I was gifted with this thing they called optimism,

I dived head first into church and into every activity you could think of, 

I went to every event, every meeting, every trip, choir, and it’s rehearsals, 

I did all this hoping that I was on the best servant list,

As I racked up godly points that God surely couldn’t miss, 

None of this truly mattered because there was something I was trying to prove,  

It was all only works based, so God couldn’t approve,

But it was all I’d ever known, 

When I truly felt love was shown,

As time went by and no one could answer my deeper questions,

I thought God didn’t want me because I found Him, so I wasn’t really chosen, 

Out of my frustration, lack patience and unanswered questions,

I left God hoping He’d come and find me with some extraordinary encounters,

That’s not how it happened at all, even though that’s what I had preferred, 

I sinned alot, dabbled in the new age and thought I was being enlightened, 

But I never found peace at all just began a journey into nothingness,

Where your voids are never filled and you never truly get the resolve you need, 

Instead of getting better I found myself feeling and even becoming worse, 

Until one day out of the blue,

I felt in my heart I needed a reconnection with you,

I bought a new Bible, opened it and began to ask you to speak,

And it’d always land on what I was dealing with, giving the answers I’d seek,

I knew then, this could never be a coincidence,

And for the first time, in a longtime, I felt worthy of my existence,

Like I had gotten back to my roots, the way I was raised,

But this time, it was you speaking through the book the church praised,

I started feeling ‘knowings’ in my spirit and somehow knew what to do,

Like moving to a new state or breaking up with my boyfriend you didnt choose,

But as time passed and I was apart of the world and it’s systems,

Everything I began to learn now caused me to be conflicted, 

It contorted my beliefs and morphed my God given vision and gave me pessimism,

I later recognized my brokenness and found and even searched out religion,

I wanted to know everything about God, spiritual things and searched with great precision,

As we journeyed together, he accepted my mouth spoken breakup letter,

Saying “God wants me to break up with you, even though I don’t want to”

That may have sounded like I threw God under the bus at the time, 

He accepted but in his heart he may have felt I commited a slick crime, 

Started my new life with God on my mind, 

However the journey to true relationship would take some time,

It wasn’t until after I found myself in the lowest place of my life, 

Where God was the only one I knew had the answer,

I began meeting you daily, you were in my everyday planner, 

Through the pain, it birthed my efforts to seek you and know you for myself,

At first it was weird as I sat with you mostly in silence, 

It didn’t last very long, as you began to speak into my ear,

I carried the burden of thinking its just me and not you that I hear, 

You quickly corrected me and rectified that situation,

You gave me more confidence, and now here we are in close relations.

This poem is just an encapsulated version of my testimony and opening up, by showing my wounds, scars and vulnerabilities hoping you will know you are not alone and you might even find yourself somewhere in here.